Awkward Meetings with COB
by Apple-RingoSauce
Summary: A/N: extremely ooc and stupid. Summary is in story. Ft/ Alexi Laiho and Children of Bodom


AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yeah so this was an assignment for Keyboarding and I decided to publish it here. I'm well aware this is extremely OOC and shit like that, but it was for fun.

Hate Crew Girl

By Danielle

It's not every day that your parents walk into your room and tell you that your favorite guitarist/vocalist from your favorite band is coming to town for no apparent reason. It's also extremely rare that they stumbled upon your fangirl edits of yourself photoshopped into an originally single picture of them. To be honest, it was quite embarrassing. Alexi Laiho was NEVER, EVER supposed see those images! EVER! I don't even know how he found them… And I guess I never will. But it doesn't change the fact I'm going to meet in for the first time in my life!

Excited, I ran upstairs to gather more information about COB's whereabouts. Being the stalker I am, I managed to track down Alexi at Polo Park. Of course my parents refused to drive me, and the only way to get there was by bus. Without a moment's thought, I ran across the ice to the nearest bus stop.

Let's just say I didn't get to my destination at the time I was hoping to, due to loss in knowledge on how to transfer from bus to bus. I got there two hours and a half later than I was hoping to, and my dreams of meeting Alexi Laiho were beginning to be crushed slowly. I stepped off of the thirteenth bus I had gotten on to, and ran for no reason. I looked back at the bus to try and remember the number so I didn't end up in Selkirk again, and right before I could turn around to see where I was going, I ran into somebody who was probably at least 5'5 or so, because my forehead smashed into their chin.

I doubled over on the ground in pain, rubbing my forehead. I cursed loudly, and then opened my eyes to see if I ran into a short stop sign, or a person. To my embarrassment, it was Alexi Laiho.

We stared at each other awkwardly, blinking a few times. Instead of keeping my composure, I yelped and flailed my arms, shortly before taking flight to the right. I heard him saying something, but I was too busy screaming bloody murder to hear. I looked back quickly, and instead of running into another person, I face-planted into the side of a taxi, denting the doors in my wake. I swear I saw Alexi comically sweat-dropping, but I wasn't even looking at him. I was too busy trying to get the spinning birds and planets out of my view.

I could faintly make out the sounds of footsteps coming towards my direction, but I didn't really care at that point. I heard a male voice with some sort of accent saying: "Um… Are you okay?"

I spewed out a ton of gibberish and nonsense in response, not fully recovered from my collision with a vehicle.

"Come again?"

I shook my head and finally snapped out of my… "Danielle Moment". I sat up and looked at the source of the voice, then prepared to take off again, but I felt his hand place firmly on my shoulder, obviously not letting me to something idiotic again.

"Before you run into that taxi again, I noticed something that's got me thinking that you look very familiar…" he said to me in a-matter-of-fact tone.

"Uh," I paused awkwardly. "I'm not familiar, I've never even been outside the house—I live in a lame lead-sealed box and I—"

"Now you're just babbling nonsense again. Let me think for a second, I swear I've seen you somewhere…" he said. He obviously recognized my face from the pictures, and was torturing me with an embarrassing answer.

We held an intense staring contest, before he finally put his hand off of my shoulder and shrugged as if nothing had happened. "Ah, I guess it doesn't matter. Anyways…"

I slapped my forehead and sighed. He was playing stupid with me… I decided it was time to take advantage of that.

"Weeeell….. I should be going. It was nice mee—"

"And where exactly do you think you're going? Your bus left and the next bus that goes is in another two hours. You have nothing else to do, and I'm pretty sure you don't want to walk." Alexi stated.

I looked around to try and find some way of diverting him. "Well, I could call Haley to pick me up!"

Alexi pointed to the smashed-up taxi. I crawled over to where he was pointing, and found my BlackBerry in a pile of rubble, all crushed up. I curled up into a ball and cursed my life.

"You're really strange… Why don't you come and chill with me at Polo until the next bus comes?"

"That was my plan…" I mumbled to myself.

"What?"

"Nothing! Nevermind!"

We entered the mall through the emergency exit thanks to my 'cleverness'. To my surprise, the sirens didn't start wailing at us. When he learned that, he looked at me with disappointment. "How can someone be so stupid…" he muttered to himself.

"I heard that!" I snapped at him, shooting him a glare.

"That's great, midget." he said, showing no signs of interest in what I was about to say.

I felt a vein pop in my head. "_I'M _the midget? I'm 15 years old! 5'1 isn't under-average height! I mean, look who's talking! YOU'RE the one who's 32 and 5'4! So _YOU'RE _the midget, not me! Midget!"

Alexi contorted his once stoic facial expression to an expression of anger, and I knew I hit a vein.

"It's not my fault I'm short! It's genetics I tell you! **Genetics!** I did nothing whatsoever to remain at this pitiful height!" he spat, flailing his arms as he did so.

I decided to have some fun with him. His reactions were hilarious.

"Someone sounds grumpy. Are you lacking sleep? You know what they say; every growing boy needs his sleep!"

He scowled at me. "I'm done my growing, you imbecile! You're the one who's still growing, kiddo! I bet you've already hit your growth spurt!"

"That's not true! I'll be taller than you in no time!" I said.

I wasn't sure that what I had said was true or not. I had hit my growth spurt a while ago, but who knows when I'll stop growing.

"Yeah, right!"

"People from Finland are so stubborn…"

"Why are you Canadians so stupid and immature…"

"I heard that!" I snapped at him.

"Blah blah blah…"

"Do you want me to shove something down your throat?" I threatened him. I meant it, too.

"I'm pretty sure you mean _your_ throat. Because the only thing going down there is—OW!"

I had cut him off midsentence by implanting my fist into his cranium. I knew where he was going and I sure wasn't going to let it fly.

"Gah! What was that for, you little shi—OW!"

"How many times are you going to make me beat you until you shut up?" I said loudly.

"That's kinky—HAH! YOU MISSED!"

It was true. My punch had missed his head because he was ready for it. He knew every single time he made some perverted innuendo, I'd go and attempt to bash his brains out.

"I may have missed once, but next time, I'll make sure I don't miss. And the next one will ruin your hopes and dreams of having a child." I said monotonously, shooting him a death glare.

"Who says I even want a child?" he sneered at me, sticking out his tongue shortly after.

"Well, then I'd have to do something even more drastic."

"Like?"

"Something that would traumatize you severely and you will have nightmares about it every single time you close your eyes. It will also be the most painful thing in your life." I said menacingly, smirking at him evilly just to intimidate him.

"Nothing can be more horrifying than your fa—I SAID NOTHING!"

"Good, because you would have lost an eye if you finished that sentence."

"Good god, you're an evil woman! Is it the time of the month or something?" he asked, throwing his hands in the air.

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing!" he said loudly. "Crazy kid…" I heard him also mumble under his breath.

We stood in silence for a few moments, because since our little drabble was longer than we expected it to be, the silence was extremely awkward and we ran out of witty comebacks to retaliate with. We didn't even look at each other, because then it would be even more awkward because when you look at someone, you usually say something snarky.

"Stupid fat under-average height midget…" I mumbled.

"WHAT?"

"Shuddup."

So we stood in even worse awkward silence. If I hadn't made that rude comment, the awkwardness would have probably left within minutes. It would probably be another good 5 minutes until we could look each other in the face without grimacing or snapping remarks.

Alexi seemed uncomfortable, so he finally decided to break the silence. "Waitaminute… How did this even start anyways?"

I put my index finger on my chin in a thinking position. It was a good question, because even I didn't remember how the fight started. All I remember was colliding with an innocent taxi-van and falling on my behind. My brain had some serious farting problems, because I didn't remember anything at all until this moment.

"I don't know. My brain's got a serious farting issue." I finally replied.

"You have a very… Erm…. _Interesting_ way of putting things…" he said awkwardly, obviously unsure of how to react to my immature responses.

"I know right?" I replied.

"Well, let's go. Where to?" I added.

"I'm scared what will happen if I tell you, so I'm going to put a sock in it." Alexi admitted.

I smiled at him and gave him the thumbs up. "Good! Then we'll head to Spencer's."

Alexi's jaw dropped. "Are you serious? Do you even _know _what they have in that store?"

I looked at him with my do-you-think-I'm-a-retard face. "Well no duh I know what's in that store, I've been there before!"

"Okay, okay! Geez, woman! Control your hormones!" he retorted.

"My hormones are perfectly in control, thank you very much!" -Me

"Are we _really_ going to start this again?" -Alexi

"No. Go eat poo, you poop-head." -Me

"…" -Alexi

"Whatever. Follow me." –Me

"Following you would be like trying to find a piece of hay in the needle stack. You're lucky those alarms didn't go off! We went through the damn emergency exit!" –Alexi

"I'm actually very good with directions!" –Me

"Oh yeah? Prove it." –Alexi

"Okay, so we go down the stairs and we turn right." –Me

"You tell me to turn right, and yet you're turning left. Do you have no sense of direction?" –Alexi

"Nope, I'm just directionally challenged." –Me

"That's pretty much what I just said... –Alexi

"No, you said I have no sense of direction." –Me

"You're impossible…" –Alexi

"IT SEEMS IMPOSS-IBLLLLEEEE~ FOR ME TO LET THIS GOOOOOO~ FEEL LIKE AN ANI—" –Me, yelling lyrics

"Shut up! Will you shut up?" –Alexi, waving his fist

"No." –Me

"Do I need to slap a bi—err, weirdo?" –Alexi, raising his hand

"Don't get your panties in a knot now, sonny." –Me

"I AM GOING TO SHOVE SOMETHING IN YOUR MOUTH IF YOU DON'T STOP TALKING!" –Alexi

"BE NIIIIICE! BE NICE TO ME!" –Me, screaming more lyrics

"I'm going to beat you with a spoon!" –Alexi

"?" –Me, screaming lyrics again

"Huh?" –Alexi

"SHOULD. I. TALK. SLOWER. LIKE. YOU'RE. A. RETARD? SHOULD. I. TALK. SLOWER. LIKE. YOU'RE. RETARDED?" –Me, continuing song

"I'd shut up if I were you, blabbermouth. I think that's a mall cop up ahead…" Alexi said quietly, motioning for me to shut my trap.

"I'M LIVING FOR MY OWN DEMI-YI-YISE!" I screamed again.

"NOW YOU'RE TALKING!" Alexi replied, giving me a high five. I was screaming from his band's song called Hate Me.

"Hey! What do you kids think you're doing in here! Nobody's supposed to be in here! This is for emergencies!" an angry voice called.

"**_KID?_**"

"Oh hi there, officer dude! How are you on this funny-bunny day?"

The officer didn't reply to me. He just glared at me. "How did you two youngsters get in here? This place is off-limits!"

Alexi pointed his finger at me. His face was plastered with anger, and he looked offended. "Ask her! AND I'M 32!"

"That's great, kiddo. Now scram, unless you want me to call your parents." The officer replied, obviously not believing a word Alexi said.

"FFDSDFGFHDKLFSDFSssFAAA! My parents are all the way back in Finland! Who knows if they're even alive! I told you that I'm **32**!" Alexi continued to rant.

"Well, what way leads to the mall entrance?" I asked calmly.

"To the left."

"Okay thanks!" I said, grabbing Alexi's shirt collar and leading him in the direction.

"Umm… I said the _left_, not the right!" the Officer stated bluntly.

"Oh. My bad! Other way now! Let's go!" I said giddily, dragging poor Alexi behind me again.

"I never knew a person could be so stupid…"

Once we found our way back, the first store I made him we decided to go to was A&W, because I was incredibly hungry and Alexi was forced to oh-so kindly volunteered to buy me a burger.

While he ordered it, I found a table. I whipped out my iPod and blasted Children of Bodom.

After several minutes of listening to "Follow The Reaper" over and over again, he gave me my hamburger.

"Gundzeunteit."

"That's German for Bless you, you imbecile."

"Oh. Well. Merci."

We sat in silence. Well, it wasn't completely silent. For one thing, I chewed like a cow. Another thing, my iPod was at volume limit and you could hear my music despite the headphones being plugged in.

"Follow The Reaper, right?" Alexi asked.

"Yuhf. Ifs one off my fhavorhite phongs by you guyfs." I replied, my mouth full.

"True. And chew with your mouth closed, you cow!" he said flatly, referring to my chewing as that of a cow.

"Mooooooo."

Alexi facepalmed at my moo. "I didn't mean you were a cow…"

About 30 minutes later, Alexi and I were wandering around the mall, trying to find an interesting store to go to. After 7 minutes of quarreling on whether we were going to Spencer's or the CD Store, he grudgingly agreed to going to the CD store.

When we first entered, the first thing that we saw was a giant, ugly life-sized poster of Justin Bieber. I gagged, and Alexi kicked it over.

"That's it. We're going." He said grumpily.

"No, we're not. You've kicked the eyesore out of the way, so we can continue browsing music, right?" I asked.

"Well, I guess…"

To my luck, there was a metal section in the store. It was like heaven for me. The top 10 sellers were Children of Bodom, Amon Amarth, Born of Osiris, Pig Destroyer, Whitechapel, Baptized in Blood, Cap De Craniu, Dying Fetus, Slipknot and Cattle Decapitation. I glanced at Alexi and smirked. "Made it on the top ten. Nice."

"Of course. It always happens." He stated proudly, shooting me a thumbs up.

I laughed and continued browsing music.

"Hey, Alexi, what's your opinion on Cattle Decapitation?" I asked, flipping through their albums.

"Amazing band. Lyrics are so twisted though." He replied, watching me make a mess of the CDs.

"That's what makes them even better!" I said, winking evilly.

"Yeah. So what are we buying?"

I tore apart what was left of the nice, symmetrically aligned CDs and whipped out a slew of them.

"The Juliet Massacre, Dying Fetus, Children of Bodom, Born of Osiris, Amon Amarth, Cap De Craniu, Behemoth, Whitechapel, Suffocation, Pig Destroyer, Ravage, All That Remains, As I Lay Dying, Baptized in Blood, Suicide Silence and—"

"So we're basically buying out the whole store."

"Pretty much."

Alexi sighed. "I know I have a load of money, but I'm not going to buy other bands' CDs. I don't want to promote them. I'll buy you Children of Bodom, because you love us, right?"

"Yeaah."

After we bought the music, we headed to LaSenza. We got kicked out momentarily because I had attempted to con Alexi into trying on a sexy bra, and the lady who worked there must have felt so insulted, because she said "Out. Now."

"Way to make me look like an idiot…" Alexi mumbled as we exited the store.

"Doesn't that come naturally? I mean, you tend to act like a nimrod most of the—HEY!"

"You abuse me when I say stupid things, I abuse you. That's how it goes." Alexi stated after bonking my head with his fist.

I glared at him and stormed off to Dollarama. He followed as if nothing had happened.

I noticed that my bus had arrived by the time I got outside. I was about to run off, but I was stopped once again.

"What is it…" I asked, with a hint of annoyance in my tone.

"Well, I was _going _to ask you if you wanted to hang backstage with us, since the show is in an hour and a half… But it seems that you're so keen on leaving, I might as well ditch the offer." He stated, shrugging.

"WOAHWAITWHAT? Why didn't you tell me earlier?" I asked desperately, clinging onto his sweater.

"I did, but you were too busy screaming blasphemy when I tried…"

"Oh. Well OF COURSE I'D LIKE TO GO BACKSTAGE WITH YOU GUYS!"

The guys in C.O.B were pretty cool, and they were down to earth. We laughed a lot, joked a lot and had an eating contest. I lost. But they kicked me out when it was time to start the performance. At least Alexi gave me a V.I.P ticket.

I stood at the corner, watching the smoke rise and the lights flashing. Security guards held back the rabid fangirls, as for me, I was calm. I nearly peed myself when I heard the Intro playing. I forgot I was standing right in front of the speakers. I cowered a little to the middle of the row I was in and waited for the song to end. I usually loved Bastards Of Bodom, but Hate Me! was the song I wanted to hear most.

When I heard the keyboard playing a steady beat, I screamed at the top of my lungs and began bumping and pushing random people in hopes of starting a mosh pit. Other people helped, and by the time Alexi was beginning his intro guitar solo, people were slamming into each other from all different directions. Shoes, shirts and hats went flying everywhere as the crazy fans went absolutely wild. Sure, some people were close to meeting their demise due to being stomped on, but it was a phenomenal event to be a part of.

I had managed to escape the mosh pit somehow, as I was getting a little tired and I had a few bruises here and there. I looked up to Alexi, and he looked at me. I felt my face flush red, so I looked away in embarrassment.

I heard him chuckle very lightly in amusement through the microphone, which didn't really help with my current awkward situation. I growled at him, unaware that he couldn't hear me. Then I realized how ridiculous I looked flaring my nostrils and making a sour face.

I turned away in embarrassment for a few moments, and then I looked back at Alexi. He was grinning at me, amused by my awkwardness. If it weren't for all of the bullying in my past, I would have most likely flung crap at the fan. But because it was him, I didn't really react at all.

A few hours later, the boys ended the concert by doing an encore of Are You Dead Yet. He screamed victorious yet obscene words at the crowd, thanking them for coming. I rushed backstage again and I arrived just in time to see the band packing up, getting refreshed and ready to board the tour bus.

"Wait!" I screamed, running as fast as an average under-sized midget with short legs could go.

"Yo." Alexi greeted, not fazed by my reckless flailing.

"Uh..." I began shyly, feeling my face flush red. "I just wanted to say thank you for everything and this was a dream come true for me. I've been wanting to meet you guys for years and I can't believe it finally happened, and I—"

"Have been a crazy fan girl with great photo shop skills, and would literally die to meet me." Alexi interrupted.

My eyes went as wide as saucers and my cheeks had a tomato-ish hue. "That wasn't supposed to be found. EVER."

Alexi chuckled and ruffled my hair. "It's fine. Personally I thought it was cute."

I blushed harder and looked at him with bug eyes. "You… Did?"

"Yeah, I've never really seen anyone do that. It's cute how you love us so much." He added.

"fffaswadkfldkljglasdffghfsdh!"

"… What?"

"Oh sorry, I'm just kinda surprised that you had this reaction…" I replied after spewing gibberish and nonsense.

"Well, don't be. Well, we've gotta go. Our next show is across the country, and we really need some rest." Alexi said, with a hint of sadness in his tone.

"Oh…" I replied sulkily.

Alexi ruffled my hair again and then gave me a smile. "Don't worry, though. We'll be back. And I know you'll be in the crowd again, so we'll try to hang out again. Okay?"

My face brightened up and I smiled. "Okay!"

I then gave him a big hug, and he returned it. We said our goodbyes and he was off to BC, and I was off to find my way back home. I felt stabbing sorrow when I watched him walk off, but I believed what he'd told me. But for now, my only real concern was getting back home.


End file.
